04- Self Pity, Wallowing, Whining and Chicken Soup

July 22nd — After about an hour and 1/2 last night of my husband getting up and going to the bathroom several times and the dogs following him on and off the bed every time….. I left and went to the basement sleep.  It’s much quieter and I’m still needing to catch up on some sleepless or fitful nights.  Sorry, Honey! But it worked!  I slept well.

I finally came upstairs about 8:30 am.  I thought I was feeling pretty good and got in the shower about 9:15 so I could get ready for church.  This time I made it to getting my hair dry and flat ironed before my body once again said…. “Nope… not today.”  I just didn’t have the energy to finish getting ready.  I’m so frustrated with that!  There’s no reason I shouldn’t be going to church!  This weakness is driving me crazy!  I’m starting to feel like every part of my body aches.  It feels like I’m getting the flu… and yet I seem to  be fighting some symptoms off.  Just not the aches…. and in places I’ve never had them too.  I mostly feel them in my throat and ears and all the muscles in my neck and shoulders.  But there are aches everywhere.

I asked my husband to come back after Sacrament meeting to check on me.  Not sure what I was feeling, I didn’t want to be left alone for 3 hours.  I feel bad making him miss his other meetings… but I’m such a wimp!  Sometimes I felt like my heart was under stress and it seemed a bit scary, but I didn’t say anything to John about that.

I slept while he was at church.  When he came home… I wasn’t feeling a whole lot better.  We finally stopped to fix some lunch about 1:30.  I had him cook up some salmon and asparagus.  It tasted wonderful.

I pretty much spent the rest of the day feeling sorry for myself and not feeling good.  I kept wondering if I should call the doctor.  They told me to call if I ran a temperature of 100 degrees or higher.  That was the problem…. I felt like crap but I had no fever.  I didn’t make the call…. we’ll see how I feel tomorrow.

With the dogs still here again today…. I opted to head straight for the basement to sleep.  I figured I might as well start there as get frustrated with dogs that were on and off the bed all night.  It was a good decision.

July 23rd — I slept well once again.  It was much needed.  I finally came upstairs around 9 am.  I really felt miserable most of the day.  Still achy and hurting but still no temperature.  I finally decided to put a call into the doctors office later in the day.  I’m suppose to being having a port put in for my chemo on Wednesday morning and I keep thinking if I feel like this they might not want to do it.

The nurse didn’t call back till around 5:00 pm.  I told her how I’d been feeling but that I wasn’t running a temperature.  She said that my aches are most likely from the Hodgkins.  My lymphs are probably inflamed and causing me some discomfort.  I had actually been suspicious of that myself but wasn’t sure.  Since I wasn’t running a temperature, they didn’t want me starting on any antibiotics.  She also said that she felt that there was no reason to cancel my port placement appointment for Wednesday.

I think I was actually relived to hear what she had to say.  It confirmed my suspicions and yet relieved some of the anxiety I was feeling that it might be worse.  Weird…. but I think I actually felt better!  Not great my any means…. but a little better.

Once again…. I was suppose to go out to a rehearsal tonight.  This one I decided to have John bring me too.  I wanted to go early enough to stop by the chiropractic clinic and get a treatment for myself and John since his shoulder has been bothering him.  It was just a short music rehearsal for one song (which I needed to review vocals for) so I figured making him come wouldn’t be a big deal.  But, alas….. once again I just felt like crap!  I sent a message to the stage manager telling him I was once again sorry…. but I just wasn’t feeling well.  This is getting very frustrating! Especially since this is the only rehearsal I had this week except on Saturday.

We stayed home and started to watch a 3 part movie version of “Little House On the Prairie”  on PBS.  It was kind of weird not seeing Michael Landon playing Charles Ingalls.  But I actually kind of enjoyed it.  Now we get to watch the rest this week.  My son, Jon and his girlfriend Ali got back from California tonight and came to pick up the dogs.  We visited for a while and then the left.  Yeah!  NO dogs tonight…. well…. except for Scooter!  Mandy had taken Daisy home on Saturday, so all we had left was Scoot.  Scooter’s not a problem at night.  So…. I slept in my own bed!

July 24th — Slept quite well.  Got up about 8:30 (I know…. I’m lucky I don’t have a ‘job’)  I wanted to watch the Days of ’47 Pioneer Parade on TV.

I love the 24th of July.  Though I won’t be spending it having much fun today…. I still love the holiday!  It brings back so many memories of my childhood!  It was THE big summer holiday that we all looked forward to when I grew up.  I wish my own family made a bigger deal out of it than we do.  The fact that my husband is a parade grinch…. we never did go to the parade on the 24th but a couple of times when the kids were little.  We would usually go out the the parade in Bountiful the night before and he was pretty paraded out for the next morning.  At least we got to see one of the parades for a few years while the kids were young!  Someday, when I have grandkids…. I’ll make him sit through parades again!!

It was fun to see our Stake Float in the Parade.  It won an award in the Children’s parade the week before, so they got invited to the parade on the 24th.  It was a darling float with a Madagascar theme.  A lot of work went into it (as do all the floats!).

I still didn’t have a lot of energy today.  Though I’m not feeling as achy as I was…I still didn’t feel great.  I felt like I was starting to have some major stomach issues and not getting any relief.  The Chiro Cleanse tea didn’t seem to be working very well!  It’s hard to eat and feel comfortable when your digestive system is acting up!

Mandy came over later in the afternoon to do some laundry.  We had a nice long talk.  Things I won’t discuss here… but things I’d been wanting to talk to her about.  I just want her to be happy.  I want her to be brave.  I love her so much.  I pray for her everyday.

My sweet neighbor had dropped by some fresh corn on the cob on Sunday when she paid a quick visit…. so since it was the 24th… and that was a tradition at our house growing up….. to eat corn on the cob with our BBQ…  we decided to cook it up.  John had picked up some fresh tomatoes from a farmers market and we cooked up a veggie burger to go with it.  It tasted so good!  The corn was the best corn I have had since my Dad died!  I miss his corn so much!  I have to find out where my neighbor got it!  Delicious dinner!  Love fresh veggies and fruit from the garden!

Unfortunately….about an hour or so later…. my tummy was disagreeing!  This is NOT fun!  At least John and I had had some watermelon earlier in the day, so all my traditional foods for the 24th were eaten today!  With the exception of switching out the veggie burger for what would have been a hamburger.  But I’m OK with that!  I like these veggie burgers.

We watched another episode of the “Little House” movie on PBS.  I figured that counted pretty good as a Pioneer day movie!  They were certainly Pioneers in there own right.  It really made me realize how hard it was for the people that settle this country and this valley.  How hard they had to work and how few conveniences they had.  And dealing with the Native Americans too.  It was not an easy life!  Pretty sure the Lord knew I wouldn’t have been a good pioneer!

Got a call from my sister just before going to bed….. she was taking my Mom to the ER.  She had been bleeding all day.  She has some really bad hemorrhoids but they usually don’t bleed that severely.  Sherrie was concerned about it and felt that a visit to the ER might be a good idea.  Later she texted me to tell me they were keeping her overnight.  I felt better about that.  Not sure what to expect out of all this…. and I can’t go help and I’ll be in the hospital myself in the morning!

July 25th — My discomfort and distention this morning was terrible!  Even though I had stopped eating last night around 8 pm… I was feeling awful!  I knew I had to go into surgery today with an empty stomach, but it felt full to me!  I keep trying to have a bowel movement… but it’s just not cooperating.  I guess I should have taken the medicine the doctor recommended instead of relying on the tea.  I think the problem is the tea doesn’t have a stool softener in it so it’s making it really hard on me.

I kept thinking there’s no way they can do this surgery if I feel like my stomach is full!  I finally broke down sobbing because I was in so much pain.  My poor husband.  What can you do for a women who feels despair and is sobbing?  Yeah… pretty much nothing but hold me and rub my back.  I finally settled down a bit.  I asked John if he thought we should go ahead and go to my appointment and let them make the decision if I could have the surgery or not.  Of course, that’s what he thought I should do.  I just wasn’t sure I had the strength to get dressed to go.

With the time fast approaching that we needed to leave, I pulled on some clothes.  I wonder if part of the distress was a little anxiety over the surgery.  The idea of having someone cut a whole in my chest and put something under my skin really was not exciting me.  We got to the hospital and after searching for a parking place, John dropped me off at the door and went looking again.  He finally ended up using the Free Valet service to park because there really was no where to park.

We got checked in and I had to fill out a bunch of paper work….. again!  Pretty much the same stuff I’d filled out a couple of weeks ago.  I kept saying…. can’t they just get a copy of what I already did from the other building?  And…. I found out after I had filled it all out that they could have…….  oh well!

I told them my concern about my distention, etc.. and wondered if that was going to interfere with the surgery.  Well… they didn’t think so, so they got me all prepped to go in.  They are pretty meticulous about things, so it took a while.  But that’s OK.  The doctor that was going to do the surgery came and and explained exactly what she would be doing and what meds they would give me, etc.. Then they wheeled my whole bed into the surgery area.  I thought that was interesting since all the other biopsy’s I had in the last week or so I just walked into the surgery room.  They brought me back in a bed… but I did walk there for those.

After moving the bed right along side, I slid onto the operating table and they finished prepping me.  They draped the area they would be working on for sanitary reasons but it also made it so I wouldn’t be able to see anything.  Which… I didn’t want to see anyway.  They used conscience sedation on me once again.  The same thing they had used for the biopsy’s.  It’s kind of odd being aware of what’s going on in the room but being a little drowsy and yet comfortable.  I could feel pressure in my chest area as she was working but no pain.  They had given me local anesthesia in the area.  And I stayed numb there for hours!  I was still numb when I went to bed.

As they completed the surgery and prepped me to go back to the recovery area, the doc had already been in to see my husband and let him know that things had gone fine.  I was expected to be in the recovery area for a couple of hours until the IV drugs had worn off and I could walk on my own safely.

I wanted to sleep that first hour.  I was so comfortable.  Like the drugs just made you comfortable.  But my room was right by the nurses station and it was a little noisy…. no, a lot noisy…. so I didn’t really sleep.  Finally after about an hour I gave up and decided I needed to start waking up anyway to go home.  It was after 3 pm when we left the hospital.  My appointment was at 10:30 am.  These procedures seem to take most of the day!

We played a little hospital phone catch up with my Mom and sister while I was still in the hospital.  I was calling to check on her and she was concerned about me.  They hadn’t really decided for sure what was causing the problem and wanted to keep watching her hoping that the bleeding would stop on it’s own.  Otherwise, they might have to scope her to see if she has a bleed inside her bowels.  Not a good thing.  Hoping for  it to stop on it’s own.

We made a stop on the way home to pick up the laxatives that the doctor had recommended.  I had to try something else.  I was pretty sure I needed a good lube job down there and I’m not sure how to get it!

I rested on the couch for a few hours…. working on my laptop.  Then the Bishop made a surprise visit.  The people in my ward are so great.  They are so concerned about me.  We had a nice visit with him and he wanted to make sure our needs were being met.  The ward always wants to bring in meals and such when needed…. but it’s so hard because I’m being a little picky about what I eat.  We’ll see what happens.

I took some Miralax about 8 pm.  Within a 1/2 hour or so I was having some stomach cramps.  Oh great…. just what I need!  But… they finally subsided and I started to feel a little more relaxed.  I went to bed about 9 pm I guess…. I really didn’t notice.  I was just uncomfortable and wanted to get in bed.  My husband came in about an hour later I think.  I had him get another pillow to put under my head since I was suppose to be sleeping with my head raised about 30 degrees.  I also had him give me a Priesthood blessing.  I wanted to be able to sleep comfortably and needed some reassurance all would be well.  By then I was awake so I had him bring me the iPad.  I thought maybe if I read for a while I could get my mind off my tummy.  It seemed to work.  I finally turned the light off and went to sleep.

July 26th — Still full of distention this morning.  Not feeling it as bad as yesterday… but still not good.  I woke up about 4 am and finally got up.  I was feeling a little hungry.  I had opted to not eat much yesterday.  I figured it would be a good day to do it since I had to go in fasting for the surgery anyway.  I had a few crackers after the surgery and a couple of tortilla chips later that day… but that was all.  I was hoping with my tummy not having to digest anything that my bowels would get a break.  So… at 4 am I realized I was a little hungry.  It’s not a feeling I get much anymore.  I have to remind my self to eat because I don’t feel hungry.  I had a slice of bread and checked my email for a while.  I decided at about 6 am to go back to bed.

I slept again till 9 am.  I figured I better try and get a walk in.  It’s been days since I tried.  I knew it wouldn’t be a long one, but I figured any movement of my body could only help.  We only made our short swing around the back end of the condos in the park, and even with a stop for a few minutes to let the dogs run…. I was still exhausted when we got back.  It was a beautiful morning though.  The temperature wasn’t bad and there was a nice breeze blowing.  It was lovely.

I checked in on Mom and they hadn’t decide if they were keeping her another day yet.  My poor sister.  She’d the one with the ‘job’ and she’s the one having to give all the care.  For many reasons that I wont go into, it’s her that gives the major care….  and she keeps getting stuck with it.  I feel bad because this is the first time my Mom has been in the hospital that she hasn’t had all her daughters around her taking turns being with her most of the time.  That’s just what we’ve done all the time.  But with me not being able to, and my other sister still recovering from her surgery…. that leaves its all to Sherrie!  I swear she’s going to have a nervous breakdown one day because of all the stress on her!  She won’t stop worrying about my sister and I either.  She is a mother hen to all of us!  Truly an unbelievable lady.  I told Sherrie that John and I would come out later this afternoon and spend some time with Mom so she didn’t have to feel guilty that she wasn’t there.

John fixed a nice breakfast.  I decided I had to eat even if my bowels weren’t cooperating!  I’ve got to get my strength back!  I felt good enough to sit in my chair for a while and work on the computer.  I know this is not great to put here…. but I was finally able to get a little out this afternoon.  VERY little…. but it’s a start and I’ll take it.  At least it means things are starting to move!

Sherrie texted me a few hours later  when she found out that Mom was being released today.  Which meant that she had to go back to the hospital and fill out all the paper work and make arrangements with the Heritage Place nurse to come access Mom and yada, yada, yada!    Again…. I’m of no use when it comes to all that because Sherrie is the one that handles it all…..

Later in the day I fixed a bowl of yogurt and fresh fruit for lunch.  I don’t know why I can’t seem to get any energy and strength back!  We finally left about 2:45 to head out to meet Mom back at her place.  Sherrie had just barely got her back in her room and was getting her settled when we got there.  I hated the fact that I was so tired!  It doesn’t help Mom to see me that way.  After Sherrie got everything taken care of she needed to… she left and headed back to work.

John and I had a nice visit with Mom.  I got her talking about her family.  She was telling us some things about growing up that were interesting.  It was obvious to me she had some strong feelings about her Dad and one of her sisters.  All I could think about as she talked was “The Emotion Code” and all the energy sessions I had been through.  I could see why my Mom had had so many health problems in her life!  She has LOTS of trapped emotions!  Holy cow…..  makes me wonder how much better she’d feel if we could release them!  I wish I knew how to do it myself so I could help her!

Anyway…. it was an interesting visit.  I was hoping to get to the clinic before we left Bountiful….but as we talked, I could see it was more important for me to be there with Mom.  I told John I had been craving some Cafe Rio soup and wanted to stop and get some.  I thought Mom might actually like it too.  Her dinners there are not always the best.  She decide she’d like to try the soup too.  I called in an order and sent John to pick it up.

Oh how I love that soup!  And it’s even better when you don’t feel good!  We ordered John a salad instead of soup.  Mom wanted to sit at the table to eat instead of in her chair.  That was probably a good thing since the soup can get a little messy.  The chunks of chicken in it can be pretty large sometimes.  Mom has a hard enough time eating as it is… so it was good to have her right up to the table…with her bib on!  She LOVED the soup!  I devoured mine.  She only got through about 1/2 of hers and decide to keep the rest for later.  Maybe for her nighttime snack.

At least now I know of a quick meal I can grab her that she really likes.  We were all satisfied!   I do love Cafe Rio.  It’s one of the few places to eat out that I feel like for the most part I’m getting fairly healthy food.  Of course, it’s not perfect…. still some things I shouldn’t be eating… but much better than a lot of choices!

We finally left about 6 pm.  She was pretty tired and wanted a nap.  She’d been awake most of the day.  I actually felt pretty good by the time we left.  I’m sure the soup helped.

Tonight has just been catching up…. mostly here on my blog.  I hate it when I let my journaling get away from me.  I have to really think to remember details!  But at least I’m caught up now and I need to stay on top of it.

Boy do I rattle on!



8 Replies to “04- Self Pity, Wallowing, Whining and Chicken Soup”

  1. Wanda
    Thanks for doing the journaling. It allows us to know how you’re doing without bugging you. I wish there was something I could do to help! Not sure what, so if you think of something let me know. I can do soup runs if needed. You are awesome!

    1. Ha ha…. thanks, Cheryl! My journaling IS very detailed! It should let you know how I am! I’m hoping to feel good enough on my weeks off of chemo that I can come help in the temple on those days. It would do me good! Besides… I miss all my friends! Thanks for your thoughts!

  2. Wanda, You are strong and beautiful, and your body needs to do the work of healing–that’s why your energy seems so low; your body is doing a lot of work! A good friend once told me, “it takes time to be sick, and it takes time to get well.” Your body is working very hard to get well. You are in our prayers 🙂 Blessings, Cristie and Stan

    1. Thank you Cristie! I would like to think that’s why I seem to be tired all the time! But I do need to find energy to get some things done too! I’m just grateful I don’t have a 9-5 job to worry about! Thank you for your prayers!

  3. Dearest Wanda, Dreamed about you last night. That you came to my home, didn’t feel well, went into the bathroom. I got right up and cleaned the toilets! lol Hang in there, Sweetheart! Be patient, you’re gonna be great! xoxoxoxo

  4. Wanda, I hope you feel a little better once the treatments start. I’ve heard for some people it will help with the pain. When I’m feeling a little bloated I make a smoothie with: 3 frozen strawberries, 1/2 frozen banana, 1/2 frozen peach, a handful of uncooked spinach leaves, 1/2 apple, 3 baby carrots, 1 cup of fresh pineapple, 1 glass of ice and then fill the glass with cold water. Grind it up in a Vitamix or Blendtex or any really good blender. By the next morning that really helps me. It tastes good too! You are always in my prayers. Hugs!

    1. Thanks, LIsa! I appreciate your concern. I am feeling a little better finally. Just need to stay on top of it for the next one! Thanks for the recipe. Its sounds delicious! I try to have some kind of a Green Smoothie everyday, so this sounds great! Thanks for thinking of me!

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