01-Two Very Emotional Days

July 13th —  What a mixed bag of emotions for one day.  Wow.  Talk about going from one end of the scale to the other in one exhausting day.

To start the day, I mentioned that Scooter had an upset tummy and had been up most of the night from about 3am on which meant that both John and I were awake during that time.  John was getting up early to drive to Pocatello for a ball tournament, so already the night was of schedule.  Since Scooter couldn’t sleep…. neither could I.  John finally got up about 4:30am to take a shower.  Scooter settled down a little but not much.  I lay there in bed with Scooter and Daisy while John showered.  I think he was hoping I’d fall to sleep….. but I didn’t!

I was nervous about him leaving me just because of the way my legs had been feeling.  I was a little scared.  I didn’t tell him that.  I had hoped he’d know and stay home.  Silly woman!  Speak up!  I also didn’t want to worry him.  I did ask him to give me a blessing before he left.  I needed a little reassurance I would be fine.  Under normal circumstances, I wouldn’t have been bothered he was leaving….. but this time I was nervous.  He finally left around 5:45 am when a teammate stopped to pick him up for the trip.  This is one I normally go on with him…. but it wasn’t in the cards this time.

After he left, I was still wide awake so I decided to catch up on my email and most importantly try and finish my recall of what had happened the last few weeks.  I had several days to catch up on and wanted to do it before  details faded from my memory.  It took  couple of hours just to finish getting it all in.  Then I took a while to go back over and proof read, though apparently not well enough…. before I published it.  I wanted it to be done and I knew I had some people curious as to what was happening with me.

The rest of the day was spent being tired, overwhelmed with love and affection from people and overwhelmed with fear.  I tried to go to sleep about 9:30 am.  Slept for about 1/2 hour and then John called to let me know they had made it and I couldn’t go back to sleep.  At all.

I kept getting comments on Facebook and also through private message AND on my blog about what I had published and shared on FB.  I was literally overcome with so much emotion that I wasn’t sure how I was feeling.  People that I knew cared for me and people I didn’t know cared for me…….  unbelievable the love and support I felt.  I cried every time I read a response.  I cried for joy, I cried for sorrow, I cried that I mattered.  I still cry thinking about it.  It’s an unbelievable feeling to know you are loved and cared for that much.  I mean….. I think we all know it….. but to really KNOW it in such a profound way!  If Facebook was created for no other reason than to give me that opportunity for my friends to express their love…. then it was created for a greater purpose than I’m sure Mark Zurcher ever imagined.  There’s good and bad in all things!

Part of my emotion was a feeling of impending dread.  I haven’t had the strength I’d hoped for and wondered if my body was telling me that no matter how hard I want to fight it….. kicking and screaming….. that maybe I am going to have to give into chemo no matter how much I hated the prospect of it.  Ever since the doctor mentioned the ‘hot spot’ on my spine and his concern for it affecting my walking, I’ve been very nervous about saying “no” to chemo.  My heart wants to say no…. but I so have to follow what my body is telling me…. and the Lord for that matter.  I HAVE been praying for an answer after all!

I tried to sleep again later that day without any success.  Scooter still wasn’t feeling great and the dogs were honestly driving me crazy.  Every time I’d come close to snoozing…. they would start barking at something.  Don’t get me wrong…. I love the dogs.  A lot… but they were getting on my nerves and no one was here to take care of them but me.  My nerves were frazzled and I was very tired.

I finally got in the shower about 4:40 because I had rehearsal that I needed to get to.  Though I made it though my shower…. but the time I dried and flat ironed my hair…. I was so exhausted I just knew there was no way I could go to rehearsal.  I finally decided to cal my counterpart and let her know I just didn’t have the stamina to make it.  She was so wonderful about it.  I’m so blessed to have her as a friend and a counterpart!  I also let the stage manager know I was ill and couldn’t make it.  I thought if I can just get a good nights rest then I can have the strength to go to rehearsal in the morning and learn what I’d missed.

My son, Jon was hoping I could meet him somewhere to drop off the Salt Lake RSL shirt he’d let his Dad borrow on the 4th.  He was headed out of town and wanted to take it with him.  After I decided not to go to rehearsal, I let him know that he’d have to come get it if he wanted it.  Which he did.  I was very grateful.  I needed the visit and the strength of someone just being there.  I so desperately wanted him to take the dogs with him.  I knew the only way I’d get any real rest is if they were gone.  He had come visiting with his two puppies and asking him to take two more home with him was a hard thing to do.  Plus I knew he was packing and getting ready to go and his girlfriend had rehearsal in the morning.  Scooter still wasn’t feeling completely chipper and I just couldn’t ask him to take them overnight.  Mandy was at work.  I knew that by the time she got off work and came to relieve me from the dogs there was a chance the ‘no sleeping’ thing would start again.  I was afraid I would have just gotten to sleep and then to have her come get the dogs would have disturbed that chance for a good nights rest.

Luckily…. Jon had a good solution.  He volunteered to take the dogs to his house till Mandy got off work after which she could come pick them up from him.  Nice compromise.  After texting Mandy and asking her to do that I knew that I could finally get some rest.

Jon left about 8 pm.  I decided to take the iPad in the bedroom and read till I was tired enough that I could fall asleep for the night.  I know…. you’d think I could hardly wait to hit the sack!  And I couldn’t….. but I knew my mind needed calming down after such an emotional roller coaster day.

I read some of Little Women on the iPad and then was ready to sleep.  So grateful that I only had me to worry about for a few hours and thankful that I live in a quiet neighborhood so I knew I could rest.

July 14th-– I slept so well most of the night.  I finally to up to go to the bathroom.  I refused to look at the clock because I didn’t want to know what time it was.  I tried to go back to sleep but my mind started wandering again.  I could tell I wasn’t at full strength yet and lay back and tried to do some deep breathing, hoping to fall asleep again.  After a while I rolled over to my side in hopes that I would doze off again.  I did.  And I dreamed.  Crazy dreams, but to the point that I was in a deep sleep when the alarm went off.  Why did I have to rehearse this morning?  Sleep was so much more needed!

With much effort, I dragged myself out of bed.  It was amazing what an effort it was.  I kept telling myself I just need to wake up from that deep sleep and then I’ll be fine.  Though my energy was low…. I carried on and got myself ready for rehearsal.  Even though I was tired, I knew I needed to get there.

I drank most of my Green Smoothie on the way out.  Part way through the morning, which under most circumstances would not have made me tired…… I felt so drained.  It was almost too much to ask me to ‘move’ for the choreography.  I pretty much had to mark it and not do it full out.  That’s how drained I was.  We took a short break before moving on to the next number and I went out in the hall and laid down on a small couch.  They were having auditions for another show, so I felt a little awkward…. but I didn’t care.  About that time some of the other cast members were coming to be added to their part in the song we were working on.  Kevin gave me a bad time about laying down so early.  I just told him I was a little tired.  Then Dave Hill came in and we started to talk.  He could tell I didn’t feel great and I finally told him what was going on.  Not that I don’t want to the cast to know…. it just hasn’t happened yet.  He gave me a lot of encouragement and support.

It really was all I could do to be there the rest of the morning.  My part in the song we were working on was very small, but just watching the energy of those young kids doing their melodramatic moves for that piece wore me out!  Holy cow…..

Getting home was tiring.  Mom called as I was driving home to check on me.  Bad daughter.  I hadn’t taken the time to check in with her and I know I need to.  She’s very worried about me.  That has to be a priority every morning.  I just need to check in.

By the time I pulled in the driveway, I wasn’t sure I’d have at the strength to fix me anything to eat.  I put a couple of scoops of quinoa on a plate and took it to the bedroom.  I slipped out of my clothes and back into my lounging wear and hit the bed… exhausted and frustrated.

Hoping to get a little more rest before this afternoon….. I laid there and….. couldn’t sleep.  I was suppose to be going to a ‘Copier Girl’s Night out’ with some of the relatives.    My niece had made arrangements months ago to have us all go see Sound of Music together at Hale Theater.  I was really looking forward to seeing family and spending sometime with them.

I probably should have called Mandy earlier and warned her that I wasn’t sure I could make it.  But I didn’t.  I got dressed.  She came to get me and for about 15 minutes I debated whether I not I should even try.  I was just so weak I wasn’t sure I could do it.  If only I could get to my seat and just sit back and enjoy the show.  I knew it would lift me up to see everyone and see a show that has sentimental meaning to me.  I just couldn’t do it.  Mandy called Nate and asked him to come use the ticket even though it was girls night out, it was still his cousins.  I was grateful for his willingness to use it so it didn’t go to waste.

I knew John was on his way home from Pocatello because I had talked to him about 1pm.  I knew he’d be home soon so I sent Mandy off to the theater without me.  She had just left when he pulled up.  Honestly…. I was so grateful I almost cried!  I can’t believe how much I rely on him and how much I’ve needed him this last day and a half!  If  I’d known I would be this bad, I wouldn’t have let him go!

He cut open a cantaloupe and we shared some while I lay on the couch.  He was tired and hot from his games so he took a shower and we both laid down for a while.  My weakness had me so nervous that I finally decided that I better get some other source of protein into me besides plant based.  We defrosted a couple of pieces of salmon and he made it for dinner.  I hate to say it…. but I’ve felt much better since then.  I guess I need to revisit the concept of only plant based diet for me.  Perhaps it’s time to follow the word of wisdom and eat meat sparingly, but not disregard it all together.  It’s so hard to know what to do because there are so many different philosophies out there on what’s good for you.

I listened to an interesting recording this afternoon with Dr. Mercola and a lady who believes that it’s important to get probiotics in your system and yet she does it through fermented vegetables.  It’s an interesting concept.  Again…. a lot to know and understand.  I guess I just need to have faith that the Lord will tell me personally what will be best for me.  After all…. he should know, right?

After another long hard emotional day …. I think I’m ready to head to bed.  I feel awful that I didn’t feel well enough to go down to one of my best friends son’s reception tonight!  Doesn’t seem like something a best friend would do!  But I know she understands.  Been a long day……


4 Replies to “01-Two Very Emotional Days”

  1. Wanda
    we are praying and fasting for you. it’s breaking my heart that there is nothing i can do. hang in there your as tough as they come. but…you mak the RIGHT decision OK? sometimes the right decision is the hardest one to make.

    1. I love you guys so much! I so appreciate you thinking about me and praying for me. I know I have a tough road ahead but know that the love and support I’m getting from friends and family will pull me through! Thank you!

  2. So my friend as I read this I realize you are trying to keep everythhing “Normal” for everyone including yourself and you need to realize that for now things are not normal and you need to conserve your strength for the things that you can do. Everyone who knows you and loves you will understand when you can’t attend and with the speed at which you are getting weaker they need to know what they can do to help. For all the years you have been there for “everyone”, it is your turn to let “everyone” be there for you. I love you and pray for your decision to be the right one for you. Rest and put your faith in the Lord, he will give you peace and understanding and strength.

    1. Thanks, love….. I know it’s my time to lay back. Though at times I don’t feel like I have done much for others. I suppose being in this condition has made me realize that I need to improve on being more compassionate about what others are going through. It’s amazing what an awakening this has been already. It’s just hard knowing that my Mom still needs care and it seems to have fallen all back on my sister shoulders again. I’m learning an appreciation for her that I never had in quite this way. Believe me… my faith is in the Lord cause that’s the only way I can make it!

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